Zombie Combo in MiddleEarth
by Nadalada
Summary: Watchout heroes of Middle-Earth, Saruman has "hired" two very confused and VERY dangerous ninja. Hidan and Kakuzu centric.
1. Chapter 1

**This story has taken me a whole week to prepare for. I had to re watch all the Lord of the Rings movies and the entire Kakuzu and Hidan arc (which was awesome) and its very time consuming. I will be using the movie version for LoTR but there might be some aspects from the books thrown in. Now though, I am finally starting my latest story, so enjoy!**

**Time line: Around a year before the Kakuzu and Hidan arc and somewhere in The Two Towers part 1 to begin with.**

**Disclaimer: If I owned LoTR and/or Naruto I would be super rich, which I am not… **

**Prologue**

Two figures stood before the entrance of The Village Hidden in the Mist. Neither of these figures looked terribly impressed at the grand ninja village, though it was hard to tell any of the emotions of these two figures as both of them wore large black cloaks with puffy red clouds lined with white covering it. The cloaks had high collars, successfully covering the bottom half of both of their faces, and what part wasn't covered by the cloak were cast into shadow by the large straw hats sitting atop their heads.

The guards at the gate would note that the two foreigners (as they obviously were) were almost indistinguishable from each other, dressed as they were. The only differences being that one was about 4 or 5 inches taller than the other. Also, the shorter one wore no shirt and had a forehead protectors with an unrecognizable symbol on it (as it was too dark to see) around his neck and there was a glint of red coming from his back, though it was hard to tell what it could be with the mist so thick.

Just as the guards were about to call out to the figures, demanding to know what their business was, the figures vanished. The guard blamed the heavy mist, pitch dark, and general paranoia for playing tricks on their eyes and went back to duty, though they were on high alert, just in case.

In the woods a mile or two away from the village, a loud, obnoxious, voice could be heard,

"Fuck, Kakuzu! I don't know why Leader had to send us on such a shitty mission, seriously. Jashin won't get any sacrifices if all were doing is infiltrating the village and stealing some fucking worthless scroll."

The voice belonged to Hidan, S-ranked missing-nin and member of the Akatsuki. The one he was complaining to was his partner Kakuzu, also a S-ranked missing-nin and member of Akatsuki.

Kakuzu ignored Hidan as he leafed through his bounty book looking for any Mist-ninja with high prices on their heads. Hidan, looking over to see what was occupying his partner, became enraged to see what Kakuzu was reading.

"Fuck no! We aren't going to waste time with any of your fucking bounties! I want this stupid ass mission over with as soon as possible, seriously!"

Kakuzu looked up at his partner with narrowed eyes. "We have already scouted out the perimeter of the village so we have plenty of time to get the scroll and a nice bounty. Now shut up before I kill you."

Hidan just snorted, "If you could kill me old man, I would let you."

Kakuzu didn't respond as his eyes caught the words "resides in Village Hidden in the Mist" in his book. He did a quick scan of the page and discovered that there was a retired Mist-ninja in the village that had been famous enough in his glory days to warrant a 40 million ryo price on his head. _Perfect._

Kakuzu placed his book back into his cloak and started walking back to the village, intent on getting the scroll as quickly as possible so he could focus on the large bounty. Hidan stopped mid-rant after realizing Kakuzu had walked off and started racing after his partner yelling, "Hey fucker! Wait up!"

* * *

><p>How they had not been noticed was quite the mystery to Kakuzu. They had made it all the way to the building housing the forbidden jutsu scroll Leader had assigned them to get without being seen or challenged. The reason this was perplexing to Kakuzu was because Hidan had not shut up the entire time they had been in the village.<p>

Leader had informed Kakuzu that this scroll was need very urgently and the only reason he was sending Hidan and himself was that they were the only Akatsuki members that weren't already on a mission and they were already in Water country when Leader had contacted them. It was obvious to anyone that Hidan was not meant for stealth, so Kakuzu concluded Leader was very desperate for this scroll if he was willing to risk sending them. Even though Leader told him to be quick, he couldn't just ignore such a ripe opportunity to get some easy money. Being the unofficial treasurer of the Akatsuki it washis _duty_ to get money, so really, Leader shouldn't be mad. Kakuzu planned to blame Hidan regardless.

"The door isn't even fucking locked! Are you sure this is where the scroll is old man?" questioned Hidan as he opened the door revealing a plain room that contained nothing but a single pedestal that stood in the middle of the room. On the pedestal laid a white scroll with a small purple ribbon keeping in shut.

Kakuzu narrowed his eyes in suspicion. There was a very good chance this was all a trap and he was unwilling to blow their cover by massacring however many ninja showed up. Unfortunately, Hidan didn't care if it was a trap, eager to cause bloodshed, and just strolled right into the room and snatched the scroll.

As Kakuzu predicted, as soon as the scroll left the pedestal, ninja started pouring in from hidden doors in the walls. Kakuzu swore angrily as Hidan started laughing manically swing his scythe around him, easily decapitating one of the ninjas. Kakuzu on the other hand was angry as hell and strode briskly to where Hidan had dropped the scroll, using his threads to decimate anyone who got in his way and using his technique to harden his skin so any weapon thrown at him bounced off. He hoped that the Mist-ninja were confident enough in their skills that they had used the real scroll as bait.

After driving a thread through a random ninja's eye socket and through their head, killing him, Kakuzu picked up the scroll. Hidan had been surprisingly quick to kill off most of the ambushing ninjas so Kakuzu and he were in the clear for however long it took for reinforcements to arrive. Instead of body flickering out of there, Kakuzu decided to check the scroll first to see if it was legitimate.

Luckily for the partners, the scroll seemed real so Kakuzu body flickered away, Hidan quickly following. Once they made it outside the village into the safety of the trees, Kakuzu turned to Hidan, his green on red eyes glowing with rage.

"You moron! Now I have to sneak back into the village while there on high alert to get my bounty!" Kakuzu's words were accompanied with an attempt at a hard punch to Hidan's face.

Hidan dodged but Kakuzu's hardened fist still grazed his cheek, causing Hidan to sweat slightly.

"You don't have to do fucking anything, except get that scroll to Leader! If I can't sacrifice someone to Jashin then you can't get your bounty, cocksucker!"

Kakuzu didn't answer, instead chucking the scroll at Hidan's head and starting back to the village. Hidan caught the scroll and ripped it open.

"What the fuck! This can't be a real jutsu, its fucking retarded!"

This caused Kakuzu to stop and turned back, just in time to watch Hidan form some hand seals and shout out, "Ninja art: Time-space Dimension Migration" (I'm so sorry about the suckishness of this jutsu:( Its pretty much Madara's technique with the word dimension added in… I SUCK) in an attempt to prove the falseness of the jutsu.

For a second, nothing happened and Kakuzu thought that Hidan had indeed proven the jutsu false, but then the air around Hidan and Kakuzu started to ripple and warp. "Motherfu-" Hidan was cut off as Kakuzu, his temper exploding, sent out his hand to wrap around Hidan's neck.

Before Kakuzu could pop Hidan's head off, the two ninjas fell unconscious as the air continued to warp around them.

**Woo! Prologue is complete! I hope everyone enjoyed it so far. I know they're not in middle-earth yet but don't worry, next chapter they will be:) Please Review to let me know what you think! Oh and please don't think that Kakuzu and Hidan are going to be "good guys" in this story, cause there not. They will kill, maim, massacre, and basically fuck shit up for money and for fun.**


	2. Chapter 2

**You readers that have so kindly put this fic on your story alert must be thinking "WTF Nadalada! Why is this chapter so late?" Well…the only thing I can say is if any of you had read my profile where I keep the story status', then you would have known this story was on hold and it would be continued. So really, it's your own fault for being lazy;) **

**Oh and dear Anon reviewer, Why would I take down my story even if I wasn't finishing it? I spend hours writing this shit, so just scraping it would make my hard work a waste of time.**

**Disclaimer: Nadalada (Me) does not own Lord of the Rings or Naruto and that will never change…no matter how hard she wishes.**

Saruman of Many Colour (nee The White) was not pleased. Since the betrayal and subsequent defeat of his once dear friend Gandalf he Grey, this mood was not uncommon. It had only been several months since his fellow wizard's escape, barely anytime for those as old as he, and he was still rather cross. But that was not what had him in such a foul mood today.

No, as he stalked through Fangorn forest dodging dropping branches and irate woodland animals, he would reflect that what really angered him was the utter idiocy of his subordinates. He knew orcs were simpleminded things but this put their stupidity to a whole new level.

You see, a great flash of light had been reported by said orcs to have appeared not far into the very forest that they were in the process of destroying. Instead of investigating the matter like good little minions, the orcs had invaded his bedchambers to tell him; claiming the oppressing feeling now coming from the woods prevented the orcs from entering. It was without question that those cowards would not live much longer.

Now that he made his way through Fangorn he too could feel great bloodlust emanating though he ancient trees. It was truly an unsettling feeling.

* * *

><p>Not far from the white clad old man, two very dangerous men clashed in an epic battle of strength and wits. That or they were just once again squabbling rather unprofessionally; depends entirely on your point of view.<p>

"Aww come on Kaku-chan! Pleeeaassssseeee sew my head back on! It was really an accident and I'm _very_ sorry."

The masked nin stared dispassionately down at the severed, but still whiney, head of his partner. Turning away from his handiwork, Kakuzu surveyed the forest they were in, much to Hidan's displeasure ("Oi! You better not ignore me fucker!"). Unlike the forest they were previously hiding in, these trees were ancient and seemed to give off a menacing aura. _Odd._

A rustle and the faint sound of footsteps put the ninja on guard immediately. Kakuzu narrowed his uniquely coloured eyes at the direction of the sound and wondered what kind of enemy he would encounter in this strange place. He gave a quick glance to his incapacitated partner and cursed under his breath. Not only would he have to face a mysterious enemy alone, but he would have to put up with Hidan's constant bitching about not being involved afterwards.

Had Kakuzu been a more light-hearted man he would of sweat dropped at the sight of the "mysterious enemy" that noisily appeared in front of the dangerous duo. The "enemy" was an ancient looking man with a ridiculously long white beard with a single black stripe down the middle. He was clothed in all white robes and carried a staff that, at the sight of the nin, he brandished threateningly at them as if the _stick _had any chance of hurting them.

"What the fuck! Is this old man senile? Kakuzu, what in Jashin's name is he going on about?"

Kakuzu sent an annoyed _how should I know?_ look at his idiot partner before turning his attention to the old man who was indeed spouting gibberish while waving his staff in the direction of Hidan's severed, but still living, head. The elderly man's expression would have been amusing if Kakuzu's temper hadn't been flaring dangerously at that point.

"Shut up," commanded Kakuzu, his voice deadly.

* * *

><p>Saruman might not have been able to understand the strange man's words but the meaning was clear; this insolent <em>child <em>was trying to command him, Saruman, the right hand man of the Dark Lord Sauron. This stranger would pay. Calming his earlier unease of seeing the other man's head speak, Saruman put on a pleasant smile and spoke in his silky voice, "Greetings strangers, may I inquired your business in the forest of Fangorn?"

At the two men's blank expressions, Saruman swore inwardly as he realized his own foolishness. Saruman's mask of calm did not falter in the slightest as he drew in his power, concentrating it into the spell he was about to attempt.

"Comprehend strangers, the tongues in which I speak (1)," said Saruman in the ancient language of the elves, Sindarin.

The force of the spell pushed back the masked stranger a few steps and Saruman, satisfied with the results glanced at the blonde head that had rolled a bit and was now face first in the grass rendering the head unable to speak. The wizard smirked at the stranger's situation before turning his attention to the other man, only to be faced with luminescent green and red eyes and the feeling of cold steel pressed to his neck.

"What did you do?" asked the man in a deep raspy voice, sending the unfamiliar feeling of fear tingling down Saruman's weathered spine.

* * *

><p>Kakuzu gave a slight start at the strange words coming from his own mouth. Whatever the old man did, it had somehow granted himself, and he assumed Hidan, the ability to speak and probably understand his unfamiliar language.<p>

The missing-nin savoured to feeling of fear coming from the man who had been arrogant enough to cast a strange jutsu on members of the Akatsuki. Pressing the kunai to the man's wrinkled neck hard enough to draw blood, Kakuzu repeated his question.

"I simply cast a spell in order for you and your companion to understand my tongue; it is completely harmless of course," answered the old man in a smooth voice that reminded Kakuzu strongly of Orochimaru when he wanted something.

"You will tell us where we are old man," stated Kakuzu with narrowed eyes.

A furious expression flashed across the man's face before being masked behind a false mask of indifference.

"I am Saruman of Many Colours," informed the man, despite not being asked, "You are in Fangorn forest just on the doorstep of my fortress Isengard."

"This tells me nothing _Saruman_," replied Kakuzu, deliberately leaving off the man's ridiculous title.

* * *

><p>Saruman, feeling barely masked killing intent, paled slightly but his pride would not let him back down. Instead, he stiffened and replied haughtily, "Since you are so incompetent that you do not know of the world beyond whatever filthy village you hail from, I will grant you the knowledge that you are in Middle-Earth."<p>

The last part was said as condescendingly as Saruman dared but the words Middle Earth seemed to hold some significance to the stranger.

* * *

><p>Kakuzu looked at Saruman calculatingly before releasing his hold on him, deeming him not a real threat, causing the elderly man to stumble back a few steps.<p>

"I am Kakuzu, S-Rank missing-nin of Takigakure and member of the Akatsuki," Kakuzu gestured to Hidan who was still face down in the grass unable to yell obscenities at his partner, "and that is Hidan, S-Rank missing-nin of Yugakure and my partner in the Akatsuki."

Kakuzu was suspicious of the lack of recognition in Saruman's eyes at his words. He had deliberately let as much information as possible out in their introduction to see if the man had any idea about his world. It was obvious that this Middle-Earth was a completely different world judging by Saruman's ignorance. Even the most secluded villages in the Elemental Continents knew what a missing-nin was and while letting the name Akatsuki slip had been a long shot, Saruman should have still recognized a ninja when he saw one.

"I am afraid I have never come across such titles and places. Your names too are very strange to me," replied Saruman, "Perhaps you will explain to me what a missing-nin is?"

Kakuzu was very tempted at this point just to kill the crotchety old man but he knew it was necessary to gather as much information as he could from the resident of this _Middle-Earth_, even if it meant he had to indulge Saruman's pointless questioning.

"A missing-nin is a warrior of sorts that has forsaken his home village, becoming a criminal," explained the masked shinobi, trying to use terms Saruman would understand.

"A criminal? I can feel that you and your partner are both very powerful and I am in need of some _assistance_. Perhaps in exchange for information on these lands and a place to stay, you both will _assist _me," said Saruman, the power of his persuasive voice working unknowingly on both Akatsuki members.

Kakuzu glanced to his partners head as he made his decision. They were both in unknown enemy territory and Saruman's offer was not an unfair one. After all, shinobi were tools to be used, well, for the right price of course.

"We will agree on the condition that we are both paid handsomely for whatever _assistance _you require," answered Kakuzu, ignoring Hidan's muffled protests.

Saruman seemed to consider this for a moment before smirking and saying, "I agree to your terms. Let us go to Isengard and I will explain more of this world and the task I need you to complete."

With that, Saruman swept off into the forest surprisingly fast for such an ancient looking man. Kakuzu ignored his new employer's dramatics and went over to the forgotten Hidan. He grabbed a chunk of light blond hair and lifted his partner's head not too gently.

"You cocksucking motherfucker! Jashin will smite your greedy ass for your fucking sins! You better reattach my head fucking now or ill-"

It would never be known what Hidan would do because Kakuzu , already at his wits end, sewed his immortal partner's mouth shut before going to crouch down by Hidan's immobile body. With practiced ease, Kakuzu reattached the Jashinist's head with his threads before going to stand out of reach of the soon to be fully functional body.

Before long, Hidan, as predicted, came up swinging, probably intending to slice his partner with his precious scythe. He, of course, missed and became off balanced for a second, letting Kakuzu shoot forward to rip the fresh stiches from Hidan's mouth, knowing if he didn't remove them, Hidan would never shut up when he got them removed on his own.

The fresh blood dripping from his lips didn't deter Hidan from opening his mouth wide to start yelling at his merciless partner. Unfortunately for Hidan, Kakuzu did not give him the opportunity as he had already disappeared into the forest, following Saruman to Isengard.

"Hey fucker! Wait for me!"

**Once again, my apologies for the crappyness of the spell. It's just something I made up on the spot 'cause I really couldn't think of anything better.**

**TGIF! Thank god it's finished! This wasn't really an exciting chapter but it's necessary in the long run. Don't fret! Next chapter will hopefully contain some ninja kicking ass;) I do regret to inform you guys that an update probably won't be terribly soon since school had now started AND I do have another story on the go. PLEASE REVIEW! You guys have no idea how much inspiration I get from your reviews! That last review I got was the reason I kicked my ass into gear to get this chapter out in the first place!**


	3. Chapter 3

**I'm baaaaaccckkkk! Thanks for all the favourite, alerts and REVIEWS. Love you guys3**

**Disclaimer: FUCK OFFFFFFF! I know I don't own jackshit! Excuse me while I go cry in a corner.**

Isengard turned out to be one of the strangest buildings either Kakuzu or Hidan had ever seen. A fortress made from metal and stone was not a common sight in the Elemental countries, especially one with such a dark and menacing appearance.

If the building surprised the ninja, then the building's occupants absolutely floored them, not that they'd show that (Well, Kakuzu wouldn't).

"What the fuck are these things?" questioned Hidan as he inspected the unfortunate orc that's neck was trapped between two of Hidan's three bladed scythe.

Saruman sent a disgusted look at the cowering orc and spat "They are orcs; foul creatures, but useful in large numbers."

Kakuzu nodded and continued to walk through what seemed to be a lumberyard/breeding facility. Hidan on the other hand, paused long enough to behead the orc before catching up with his partner.

The foul smell and ear-splitting screeches that sullied the air did nothing to deter the hardened ninja. Both had seen and caused too much bloodshed and gore to be fazed by Saruman's home.

While the trio was walking towards the oversized door of the tower, Hidan turned towards Kakuzu, the start of a familiar complaint on his lips.

"Oi! Why'd you cut off my head anyways you crotchety old miser!"

Saruman slowed slightly in order to listen better to the stranger's conversation. He found himself extremely curious to how the blonde one had reattached his head in such a way. Was it an illusion? Magical healing? A gift from the Valar themselves?

"You're the reason we were sent here," replied Kakuzu as if that explained everything.

Hidan scowled at his partner and whined loudly, "Yaaa but it hurt!"

Kakuzu rolled his eyes and replied, "I thought you liked pain, idiot."

"I like the pain I inflict unto myself for the great Jashin-sama and the pain I inflicted on others for Jashin-sama, but you don't deserve to lick Jashin-sama's fucking feet let alone inflict pain onto his most devoted follower!" yelled Hidan, getting louder and angrier with each word.

"Shut up. I'm not in the mood to listen to you rant about your fake religion."

"Fake! When you die you stingy old bastard, Jashin-sama will torment you for the rest of your fucking afterlife!"

"If I die, I doubt your precious Jashin-sama will be waiting for me."

"If you die? I'll kill you now!"

Saruman narrowed his eyes at the duo as they fought. Hidan spoke of this Jashin as if he was one of the Valar, and even stranger, Kakuzu seemed to think death would forever evade him. Most confusing. Saruman was broken from his thoughts by the sounds of clashing metal. Focusing his eyes he saw the two locked in a stalemate, Hidan wielding a metal pole and Kakuzu holding a strangely shaped knife.

He waited with baited breath to see if his newest workers would kill each other off but to his surprise after a minute of dead silence and staring the two broke apart and continued to walk on as if nothing had happened. He gaped slightly as Hidan walked by him with his hands behind his head and an evil looking smile on his pale face.

"Hey old man! Are you gonna fucking show us this place or not?"

Saruman scowled but silently accepted the fact that these men were powerful enough to give him trouble and he therefore needed them on his side at all costs. He led them into the tower and into his "throne room" so to speak.

Once there he turned to the ninja who were both looking at him with expectant faces and began to do his best to explain Middle Earth…

Hidan and Kakuzu sat in their new room feeling overloaded and confused, two feelings that could be deadly to a ninja.

"So…what do you want to do?" asked Hidan, an uncharacteristically serious expression on his face.

Kakuzu didn't even glance at his partner as he was too busy sorting through the bag of gold and silver coins Saruman had given them as payment.

"Oi Kakuzu! Do you have to do that fucking now? You'll have plenty of time to count your worthless money (1) when were looking for that Eragon guy"

Kakuzu didn't bother to correct his partner on the bounty's name since it hardly mattered, but Hidan's words had him thinking of their new job…

**FLASHBACK**

"_As payment for the information I have granted you, I want you to kill someone for me," said Saruman bluntly._

_Kakuzu wasn't surprised by the old man's request, as assassinations were so common back home. Hidan, on the other hand, looked confused._

"_You want us to kill some weak bastard? You have thousands of those uglyass orcs running around, why can't they do it?"_

_Saruman looked down his nose at Hidan and said, "Isildur's heir is hardly weak. He is a man but he has shown far more skill then an orc could handle. Also, he does not travel alone."_

_Kakuzu caught the almost pained expression on Saruman's wrinkled face and concluded that he garnered a lot of hatred for this man and despised complimenting him in anyway._

"_Tch, whatever. As long as I can sacrifice him to Jashin-sama I don't give a shit who this bastard is."_

_Saruman gave Hidan a look of utter contempt but did not comment._

"_You will pay us in advance," stated Kakuzu making it clear that he was not up for negotiation._

"_Yes of course," replied Saruman fishing a bag out from beneath his robe (2) and tossing it to the nin, "Aragorn is currently on his way to Helms Deep along with his companions and most of Rohan. You will leave tomorrow at dawn."_

_Kakuzu nodded despite having no clue what Helms Deep or Rohan was._

"_Eh old man! How the fuck are we supposed to know where the fuck Helms Deep is?" asked Hidan._

"_I will provide you a map of course. From what you've boasted, I assumed that ninja as great as yourselves would be able to track him without trouble."_

_Kakuzu narrowed his eyes at the man's condescending tone but simply nodded. Normally, Kakuzu would just kill the old man but he knew that Hidan and he were not in the position to be able to kill potential allies._

_After dragging a ranting Hidan away, (he hadn't taken the comment as well as Kakuzu)Kakuzu would reflect that Saruman had never told them why he wanted to kill this man, Aragorn. Not that it really mattered of course._

"Oi dickhead! Pay attention when I'm fucking talking to you," yelled Hidan, breaking Kakuzu from his thoughts.

"Nothing you say is worth listening to, idiot" replied Kakuzu finally looking up from his stack of money.

Hidan scowled but did not react as Kakuzu expected him to. Instead he started rubbing the back of his head and said, with a hint of desperation in his voice, "Why are we doing this Kakuzu? We should be looking for a way to get back to our own fucking world! You know Leader will be fucking pissed as hell at us if we're gone too long."

Kakuzu met his partner's amethyst eyes and immediately he understood what was wrong with Hidan. He and Hidan have been partners for a while and that created a bond between them. Though neither of them would admit it, they were, in a violent, messed up way, friends.

Kakuzu didn't know how Pain had gotten Hidan to join the Akatsuki, but he did know that Pain was probably the only living person Hidan really feared. It was true that Pain would probably kill both of them for not only losing the scroll, but for "abandoning" their mission. They were required to catch at least one jinchuuriki and they had yet to make the quota.

So even though Kakuzu understood Hidan, that didn't stop him from glaring at him and stating coldly, "You're pathetic Hidan. We leave at dawn, be prepared."

**(1) I know this doesn't really make sense but I read on the wiki that Hidan hates money and doesn't see value in it so…**

**(2) I'm just going to say that Saruman had the money prepared for them at some point. Don't sweat the details.**

**Ok well there wasn't any action, again. I know I promised you a fight or something but I've decided to take my time with this story, which means that I won't just skip over all the boring stuff and just make this a crack fic. You probably also noticed some OOCness regarding Hidan and Kakuzu's relationship. I know that in canon they hate each other, but for the sake of the story, I'm making them kind of, sort of friends. THIS IS NOT A YAOI PAIRING! I'll try to update soon! Thanks for reading:)**


	4. Chapter 4

**Thanks for all the reviews You guys are amazing! There haven't been any questions about the story yet so there's nothing for me to explain… Oh, by the way, feel free to ask questions!;)**

**Disclaimer: The ownership of Naruto and LoTR will forever be out of my reach *sigh***

Barely an hour had passed before the two nin were summoned by Saruman. Normally, summons by such a lowly vermin would be ignored but both Hidan and Kakuzu could only stand so much inactivity. So in the end, they both begrudgingly went.

A shaking orc (the ninja's oppressive chakra weighed heavily on him) led them to a large dining room where an oversized marble table took up the entire middle of the room. At the head of said table sat the withered old Saruman with a plate filled with strange food in front of him.

The Akatsuki members did not sit, instead preferring to stand threateningly on the other side of the room where the stench of Saruman's food (1) would not linger.

"We're not here to play house with you old man," Started Kakuzu, his neon colored eyes flashing dangerously, "The reason we came was to receive the map you promised us and any additional information on the target.

Saruman did not reply immediately, instead he took long deliberate bites of his food and watched for the ninjas reactions carefully. Sadly for him, Kakuzu, while hot tempered, would not be goaded so easily and Hidan, well, he was actually pretty pissed.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing old man, seriously! Ill tear you up so badly the dogs won't even eat you! HAHAHAHA-"

Hidan's insane laughter was cut off by Kakuzu's fist casually punching him in the face.

The display of violence accompanied with the deadly glare Kakuzu was sending him made Saruman rethink his plan of taunting the two into such a state that information might be let slip in their anger. So instead, Saruman simply pushed away his plate and slipped the map from his robes and cautiously approached the now bickering duo.

"Why the fuck did you stop me Kakuzu? The old fuck has it coming!"

"Your childish anger isn't worth losing any amount of money over."

Saruman cleared his throat, annoyed neither man was paying him any attention, and both ninja snapped to attention on reflex. When they realized it was just Saruman, Hidan adopted an ugly sneer and Kakuzu just glared, annoyed at the ancient wizard.

Looking neither man in the eye, Saruman handed Kakuzu the map and began his explanation,

"I will be sending Warg riders to ambush the group Aragorn is with and while they reduce Théoden's numbers, I expect you to get rid of him swiftly. There is a chance that you may find another wizard with them by the name of Gandalf. If you kill him as well I will increase your pay triple fold."

Kakuzu opened the map and as expected, he didn't recognize a single thing. Too proud to ask Saruman, Kakuzu scrutinized the map for Helms Deep, occasionally swatting Hidan's head away as he tried to read over Kakuzu's shoulder.

It was only when Saruman reminded him that the Warg riders they would be with would know the way did Kakuzu snap.

The disorientation that accompanied the ninjas jump into Middle Earth had been a burden on both men and it certainly showed. Kakuzu felt like a genin once again and that was simply unacceptable.

Kakuzu body flickered in front of Saruman and with one smooth movement the wizard's tongue was nothing more than a bloody lump of muscle in Kakuzu's tanned hand.

"Let this serve as a reminder to you on who is superior here Sa-ru-man," began Kakuzu threateningly, completely ignoring Saruman's pained moans and flailing, "We will complete this mission and return here for payment but when we return, you will sit at our feet and tell us _everything_ about Middle-Earth. You are nothing more than a dog to us old man, be sure to remember that."

With that, Kakuzu flickered from the room leaving behind a surprised and now bloodthirsty Hidan behind with the writhing old geezer.

* * *

><p>Early the next morning the dangerous duo found themselves running through a frighteningly violent forest accompanied by quivering orcs and oversized slobbery dogs. Neither ninja was happy about it.<p>

"Why are you so slow?" yelled Hidan, carelessly dodging a falling branch.

Kakuzu had forced the group of Warg riders to their very limit in speed when the journey started and now, hours later, the wargs were barely jogging as they were so worn out. It was a little known fact that wargs, while tough and strong, had terrible stamina. Usually their prey would be too paralyzed by fear of their sharp teeth and overall intimidating appearance to run away. This was obviously not the case with the ninjas.

"Yelling at the useless pieces of flesh won't make them any less worthless Hidan, now shut up," said Kakuzu not bothering to mask his annoyance at the Wargs speed, or lack thereof.

"W-well ma-masters, if w-we maybe t-took a small b-break-," the brave orc was cut off in his suggestion by a single kunai implanting itself into said orc's brain.

"No rest. I want this done and over with," said Kakuzu coolly causing the rider less Warg to whimper.

Neither Warg nor rider dared speak after that and it was only by sheer determination to live that they managed to keep up with the ninjas who were, unbeknownst to the orcs, actually running the slowest they were able.

* * *

><p><em>This just might be shinobi hell <em>mused Kakuzu as he gazed over the very, very, open fields of Rohan. There wasn't a tree or even a fucking bush in sight. The only good part of this landscape was the many hills and some rocks but still…The only chance they could pull of an ambush would be to wait for the target group to walk behind one of the hills and then come at them from the other side. It would still be sloppy and there was a high risk of the group's scout spotting them and giving warning to the target of their approach.

Basically, Kakuzu wasn't at all pleased with the location. Hidan, though, thought they should ditch the Warg Riders and simply kill everyone in the group themselves. Hidan had so helpfully explained that if they used his plan there was a zero percent chance of failure since everyone in the group was dead so their actual target would be too. Kakuzu sometimes wondered if Hidan even knew the meaning of subtlety.

After a brief argument (Brief because Kakuzu ended up sewing Hidan's mouth shut…again) it was decided that the Warg Riders would go in first and once the battle became heated, Hidan would henge into an orc, slip into the battle, then identify the target. Once the Target was identified, Orc-Hidan would fight the target, lead him into a secluded area, "die", and then Kakuzu would come in for the kill. It would all be made to look like an accident so not to rouse suspicion.

"Remember Hidan, don't get carried away in the fight and reveal yourself," lectured Kakuzu sternly. Neither ninja wanted to be involved in this war so the assassination would be silent and swift.

* * *

><p><em>Worthless trash <em>thought Hidan as he weaved through the fighting crowd. It could hardly be called fighting since it was basically the two combatants just swinging their sword at each other, putting neither a technique nor chakra to it. Compared to the shinobi battles he was used to, this was nothing more than a civilian brawl.

Hidan scanned the faces of the enemy as best as he could with them scurrying around like ants. The description he had been given was a dark haired man with a great sword, elven clothing and a kingly demeanor. Had Saruman been present before Hidan at that moment there would, without a doubt, be a sacrifice in order. The old man would be easier to identify but it was soon obvious that the Gandee guy wasn't present. Kakuzu wouldn't be too pleased with that.

"Now what the fuck is a 'kingly demeanor' supposed to look like?" grumbled Hidan as he used his poorly made sword to stab some blond guy in his way through the gut.

Had luck not been on his side, it is probable that Hidan would have failed his mission all together, but alas, Jashin was obviously giving a helping hand. Orc-Hidan's next opponent was a man on a horse with stringy dark hair and a sword that seemed to be slightly better made than his own. If Hidan squinted he could claim that the man's dirty face could, in fact, be considered kingly…maybe.

_Well that's good enough for me_ thought Hidan as he used his sword to slash the legs of his target's horse. The horse gave a pained neigh and predictably collapsed, but not before its rider made a last second leap off of it to avoid being tangled up. Hidan didn't give the target the chance to recover as he swung wildly at him, driving him backwards out of the fighting crowd and towards an isolated cliff.

Hidan savoured the shocked look in the targets eyes as he effortlessly parried the weaker man's blows. The target had more skill then the other mortal trash but he did not have the raw strength that Hidan had access to even without his chakra. A fierce kick to the targets stomach caused the man to go flying backwards, landing not ten feet from the cliffs edge. Mid-flight, Hidan spotted something white and shiny fly from the man's neck.

Figuring that the target was close enough, Hidan began to slow his movements and go strictly on defensive, allowing the now recovered target to feel as though the battle's tide was changing but not allowing him to push Hidan back at all.

A fatal stab through the heart finished the fight, leaving the Target 'victorious' and orc-Hidan 'dead'.

Hidan watched through squinted eyes from his prone position as the target stumbled back a few steps clutching his stomach. The man took a few seconds to breathe deeply before mumbling "ahh, too fierce a fight with such a small orc. What new devilry has granted orcs such skill with the sword."

The man was just about to stumble back into the fight when Hidan witnessed Kakuzu body flicker behind the target and, without hesitation, grab the man and fall backwards off the cliff. To the pathetic civilians it would seem that the Target had stumbled over the cliff due to injuries as Kakuzu had acted too fast to see.

Bored now that the mission was over, Hidan performed a substitution jutsu with a random dead orc and disappeared off the battle field. He never witnessed a certain blond elf picking up the Evenstar necklace with tears in his eyes for his fallen comrade, and a nearby dwarf standing by in a similar state.

* * *

><p>"Ugh, where the fuck is that Jashin-damned miser?" Whined Hidan as he wandered through the trees of the small grove that was supposed to be the duo's meeting point.<p>

"I'm over here you moron," sounded an annoyed voice that could only belong to Kakuzu.

Hidan pint pointed the location of the voice and soon found Kakuzu sitting in front of a fire looking like he had already set up camp for the night.

"Where the fuck were you shit head?"

"Exactly where I told you I would be, idiot."

"If you didn't mask your fucking nasty chakra then I could have found you sooner!"

"Your head is as thick as ever I see"

"I'll kill you, you fu-"

"What? Have you finally realized you'll never be able to kill me as inferior as you are?"

"WHY THE FUCK IS THE TARGET HERE!"

"Oh, did you really just notice?"

**(1) In Naruto they eat Japanese food so I figured heavy western food would be pretty gross to them.**

**Aren't I mean?;) So I've had this chapter nearly done for a while and since I'm on break I decided to kick my ass into gear and finally finish it! I hope you liked that little ending dialogue with the cliffy . Please review as I promise you the next chapter will come faster if more people review!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Please enjoy this chapter; it will contain a non-canon backstory of sorts for Hidan and the explanation as to Aragorn's current situation. REVIEW.**

**Disclaimer: I don't know why people complain about these, it's only common curtsy to credit the creators for their hard work. I don't own LotR or Naruto.**

"What the fuck Kakuzu! Why didn't you kill him, seriously!" yelled Hidan, his amethyst eyes flashing with a hint of insanity.

"I thought it would be obvious moron," replied Kakuzu offhandedly as he rummaged through the unconscious targets clothes looking for valuables, "Why should we go back to that scum, like dogs, when we can get all the information and money we need from this trash."

Hidan looked at Kakuzu blankly for a moment before he finally comprehended what his partner was telling him.

"So, we beat the information from him… but who the fuck would pay for this guy besides that old man?"

Kakuzu gave a sigh at Hidan's stupidity before replying, "Have you forgotten that you are a _ninja_ Hidan? I interrogated an orc previously and it revealed to me that Saruman works for a greater power. This "Dark Lord" is the one who really wants this civilian trash killed. He will pay us handsomely for him alive and at his feet, I'm sure."

Hidan let a malicious smile grace his lips as he looked down at the raggedy man and reluctantly thought over the genius of his miserly partner's plan.

"Guess you're not as senile as I thought you were old man!"

Kakuzu was about to respond but a low groan distracted him. It seemed there target turned hostage was waking up.

"Ahh, sweet Eru what has befallen me now?" mumbled Aragorn.

He didn't receive an answer but it was hardly needed when he looked up and spotted the two frightening, strange men looming above him. In one smooth movement, Aragorn jumped to his feet and drew his sword.

"HAHA looks like this fucker wants to play!" cackled Hidan while he drew one of his metal poles.

Kakuzu on the other hand, narrowed his eyes at their hostage and said roughly, "If you do not drop your sword now I will cut off both your arms then stich them on backwards, understand?"

Aragorn, too proud to bow to threats, took the offensive. He swung his sword at Hidan, recognizing him as the weaker opponent.

Hidan didn't bother to block. Instead, he grabbed Aragorn's sword, allowing the blade to bite deeply into his hand.

"GRAHAHAHIHAHA watch me Jashin-sama as I present you a KINGLY sacrifice!"

Aragorn, deeply disturbed by Hidan, jumped back, releasing his sword in the process. Aragorn's face was grim as he watched Hidan throw away his sword and take the scythe from his back. The blood red scythe glinted in the sun as Hidan prepared to decapitate the future king.

"Hidan you fool! I just explained to you why we _can't_ kill the target!" roared Kakuzu as he grabbed the collar of Hidan's Akatsuki cloak and threw the insane moron into a nearby tree.

Aragorn watched with disbelieving eyes as the large tree was knocked over, its entire truck crushed. Even worse, the silver haired man jumped up with barely a scratch and started screaming at the masked man.

"What monsters are these? Has Sauron created such a creature or are these from times of old…" mumbled Aragorn to himself as he watched the two "men" argue over his life. The silver haired one wanted to sacrifice him to a strange, unheard of God and the masked one with the devilish eyes wished to sell him to the Dark Lord.

Aragorn, refusing to bow in cowardice before the minions of Sauron, drew himself to full height and declared, "Kill me if you wish foul beings, but the race of Man will never be defeated by the likes of Sauron!"

Hidan and Kakuzu halted their arguing before bursting out laughing…well Hidan busted out laughing, Kakuzu just smirked.

"I have no idea what you're talking about. All I care about is the money that I'll receive for your head."

Aragorn looked confused and replied unsurely, "You are not servants of Sauron?"

Hidan let out another cackle. "Fuck no you worthless piece of shit! Like we would serve some dick with a God-complex." (1)

Aragorn felt a weight lift from his heart. _Then there is hope_ he thought excitedly.

"Then please, be not fooled by Sauron's promise of wealth. The Dark Lord is a merciless, honourless fiend and if you deliver me to him then he will grant you nothing but a quick death!"

Hidan let out another sinister cackle but Kakuzu narrowed his eyes at his hostage.

"I can sense that you truly believe that Sauron will kill us. I have limited knowledge on him as we are not from this world. We need money and information and that's it; we have no desire to be caught up in this war."

Thinking quickly over what the stranger had said, Aragorn replied in a rush, "Then join me! On the side of Man we have the greatest wizard alive, Gandalf the White! You say you are not from this world… Gandalf is your best chance at returning to your home."

Hidan was silenced now; he could see that his partner was considering the hostages offer. If they could return to the Elemental countries quickly enough then Leader was more likely to forgive them for not retrieving that scroll. Hidan shuddered inwardly at the thought of facing a pissed off Pein, memories surfacing…

"_GRAHAHAHAHAHA pathetic little fuck! Jashin will be grateful for this wonderful sacrifice!"_

_Hidan accented his insane rambles by plunging his pole deep into his heart. His skin, still resembling a skeleton, dripped with his own blood. The symbol at his feet was barely recognizable as the bright red liquid pooled._

_Slowly, Hidan's cackling ceased and he stood silently, staring dispassionately at his victim. The kunoichi had been beautiful once, with fiery red hair that flowed to her waist and delicate fair features. Now, her hair was blood red and dripping, her fair skin was pale with death and a gaping wound marred her chest. (2)_

_Her golden eyes had shone with an inner fire when she had challenged him in the name of her village which he had razed to the ground hours earlier for celebrating a religion other than Jashinism. _

_She, in her last moments, had cursed him but he was already cursed… and he enjoyed it. Giving one last breathy chuckle, he started drawing a new Jashin symbol, this one large enough to fit the girl's body. He needed to offer up her death to Jashin-sama._

"_I see that the rumours of your immortality are not unfounded," commented a deep voice._

_Hidan spun around, a feral smile upon his lips. He found himself looking at a pair of floating purplish gray ringed eyes; the rest of the man was shrouded in the darkness of the trees he stood under._

"_Well, well, it looks like another heathen has come to give himself up to Jashin-sama," said Hidan arrogantly._

_The man did not respond, instead he stepped from the shadows revealing bright orange hair and a multitude of facial piercings._

_Hidan charged at the mysterious man, intent on stabbing him with his still bloodied pole. The man held out his hand and Hidan felt himself being blown backwards. He tried to fight the force but it was in vain, and he flew back skidding along the ground._

_Barely fazed by the pain of his arm snapping from the awkward angel he had landed, Hidan jumped up, intent on charging the man again. _

"_What the fuck!" yelled Hidan when he realized the man had disappeared._

_Seconds after his yell, there was a small rush of wind then Hidan felt the tendons at the back of his knees being cut. Hidan, now on his knees, wasn't given the chance to cry out as a large hand grasped his face._

_Through the fingers, Hidan could see a different man with long hair and differently placed piercings. The man shared the same orange colored hair and strange eyes._

"_You boast immortality but only your body is invulnerable. With these eyes I have the ability to pull out your very soul and if you resist me I will not hesitate to do so."_

"_Bullshit," spat Hidan, "Jashin-sama will protect me you fucking lunatic! You can't kill me!"_

_Suddenly, Hidan felt pain like that he had never experienced. It felt like his head was slowly exploding one brain cell at a time. The Jashinist let out an anguished scream. Then suddenly, the painful sensation ceased altogether and Hidan was left lying on his side panting._

"_That is your proof. You will go to this location," a small piece of paper flew in front of Hidan's face, "and meet with your new partner. He will explain to you what you must do now that you are a part of Akatsuki."_

_Hidan, still breathing heavily, managed to raise his head and spit out, "Fuck you." before his head collapsed to the ground. Through squinted eyes he could see that the original man, the spikey haired one, had returned and the long haired man has disappeared._

_The mysterious man ignored him and started to walk away only to pause at the edge of the forest._

"_Your main offensive ability requires you to ingest the blood of your victim. A scythe would be better suited for gathering blood."_

_With that, the man disappeared, leaving a broken Hidan behind._

"We will assist you." Hidan was broken out of the painful memory by Kakuzu's voice. It took him a moment to register what he had said then…

"What the fuck you stupid miser! I'm not gonna work for some fucking goody goody little bitch!"

Kakuzu just gave Hidan a dispassionate stare and replied, "It would be most beneficial to us financially as well as the best chance we have at returning home. Haven't you been listening to a word Aragorn has told us you moron?"

Hidan gave the two men before him a blank stare as he realized that when he had been daydreaming, the fucking hostage had convinced Kakuzu to join his army of weaklings.

"FUCK Kakuzu! I'm not fucking joining any army you shit, seriously!"

Kakuzu just rolled his eyes and replied, "You idiot," then began to pack up camp.

**(1) At this point Hidan doesn't know of Pein's plans so this is just a funny little piece of irony.**

**(2) Yay, I had Hidan kill a Mary-sue. What of it?**

**Ok, so since canon doesn't include an explanation of how Hidan was recruited, I made one up. This should also explain to you why Pein is the only man Hidan fears, as mentioned in a previous chapter. **

**In case you didn't get it, in the fight between Hidan and Pein, The Deva path was the one originally there then the Human path was briefly summoned to show Hidan that he could be killed. The Human path didn't rip out Hidan's soul, he just put some pressure on it. **

**Anyways, how Kakuzu was convinced to "join" the good side will be explained next chapter. Don't worry, Hidan and Kakuzu aren't the good guys now, they are just going with Aragorn for their own convenience. They will definitely be doing some double crossing in the future. PLEASE REVIEW!**


	6. Chapter 6

**As you stare in utter disbelief at this chapter I hang my head in shame. To be completely honest I lost all motivation to write and basically abandoned all of my stories. I feel like a shithead.**

**Disclaimer: No own Ring Lord of The or RuToNa**

Kakuzu cast a blank look towards his former target. He had never been one to enjoy the company of animals, Hidan alone was too much for his patience, but he had to admit that the horse's loyalty to his owner was admirable.

"Fucking smelly thing! Kakuzu, you gotta let me kill it, seriously" whined Hidan as he brandished his beloved scythe at the beast.

"Peace Hidine, Brego is my mount and while I am injured I cannot travel at your pace without her" said Aragorn trying to calm his vulgar new "ally" but just inadvertently making it worse.

"What did you call me you worthless heathen?!" shouted Hidan as he charged towards his former target with full intent to sacrifice him and his fucking horse.

Luckily for Aragorn, Kakuzu threw a kunai that pierced the Hidan's right hand that brandished his scythe moments before the red monstrosity severed Aragorn's kingly head. The pain of the wound didn't cause Hidan to pause, but the exploding tag attached to the kunai certainly caused a bit of a distraction.

Turning away from Hidan, who had managed to avoid having his hand blown to bits but was now trying to extinguish his robes which had caught fire from the small explosion, Kakuzu gave Aragorn a deadpan stare.

"If you value your life brat, then you'll stay silent for the rest of this trip. Hidan's hot headed and an idiot that won't hesitate to kill you and sacrifice you to his fake god."

Aragorn bristled at the strange man's words. He was not arrogant enough to think that he stood any chance against these unnatural warriors but he refused to back down from their threats; he had seen too much in his long life for him to be intimidated by their violent mannerisms.

"We have agreed to an alliance Kakoozoo. I respect your strength and understand your plight but I won't be treated like a lesser man."

Kakuzu twitched at the mangling of his name but still felt a bit of grudging respect for the dirty man in front of him. He had met hardened shinobi who had cowered and begged after being exposed to his partner and himself. That, of course, didn't mean Aragorn would be treated like an equal.

"You better have as much value as you say you do" said Kakuzu with a smirk hidden beneath his mask as he walked ahead, leaving an irritated ranger behind.

It had not been easy for Aragorn to convince the masked killer that he and his partner were better off joining forces with the people of Rohan and the scattered remains of the Fellowship. Only when he had, in a fit of desperation, told Kakuzu that he was the heir of the throne of Gondor and would pay him a small fortune once he claimed his mantle, did the money loving shinobi agree to help. Aragorn was a man of his word of course, and would pay the man his due should he live to become king, but he knew it was likely the Halls of Mandos would claim him long before that.

"How, in the name of Jashin-sama, do you dirty heathens survive when you all fight like a bunch of pussys?"

Hidan had managed to extinguish his Akatsuki robe and, being bipolar as he was, had calmed down enough to make conversation with their former target.

Aragorn, being the unfortunate one, tried to keep a cool head at Hidan's crude, offensive way of speaking.

"I'm not sure how cat's fight, but we survive through the sword, the axe, and the bow. Our skills are passed from father to son through the ages and they have served us well."

Hidan snorted and with the quickness of an S-ranked nin, he grabbed Aragorn's sheathed broadsword and held it up to eye level for inspection.

Aragorn, with impressive reflexes, made a grab for the sword but Hidan had already danced out of way and started to swing around the sword with deliberately mocking slow clumsy movements.

"This things heavy and loud; you'd be better off swinging around a log."

Kakuzu, who was watching the display indifferently from the sidelines, silently agreed with his partner. He had never been much of a swordsman but he had never seen any skilled samurai use a sword like Aragorn's.

Aragorn narrowed his eyes at the childish man, taking in the blood red bladed weapon strapped to Hidan's back. He had never seen such a weapon in his eighty plus years of life wandering Middle Earth.

"We seem to come from two very different cultures, friend. Your weapon is as strange to my eyes as mine is to yours."

"Don't call me friend scum! Your sword isn't strange it's fucking useless; I barely tried when we were fighting with those things! Fucking blasphemer..."

Aragorn looked at Hidan with confusion. _We have not fought before… _

Kakuzu watched impassively as Hidan let slip to Aragorn his part in his capture. He did not think that the future king would make the connection but, judging by the way Aragorn's face betrayed his sudden disbelieving shock, he seemed to have underestimated the man's intelligence.

It suddenly hit Aragorn; the orc he had fought before being captured by Kakuzu had been unlike anything he had encountered before. Too much strength and skill for a foot soldier, and the look on the orcs face. Aragorn could easily see the same mocking smirk the orc held in the pale face of Hidan.

"You and the orc are one in the same are you not? What dark magic did you use to achieve such a disguise?!"

Hidan gave a loud cackle at the disgusted expression on the dirty man's face. _The idiot's never even heard of a henge, seriously._

Kakuzu, having had enough of his partner's big mouth, gave Hidan a hard look. Hidan just brushed off the glare and continued to cackle to himself. Annoyed, Kakuzu turned to Aragorn:

"We don't use _magic_; we use an energy called chakra. That's more than you need to know so shut up and get moving."

Still perplexed by the strangeness that was his current travelling companions and slightly offended by Kakuzu's rudeness, Aragorn just rubbed his weary eyes, praying to Eru for patience and understanding.

Satisfied that their temporary "ally" wouldn't be asking any more questions for a while, Kakuzu snatched Aragorn's sword from Hidan's grip none too gently, giving his partner a hard shove. Hidan only continued to chuckle, even louder now that he had stirred Kakuzu's temper.

The older Akatsuki shoved the sword deep into the ground in front of Aragorn's feet and gave the two men his iciest glare, his already luminescent eyes absolutely glowing with his rising ire.

"We continue to Helm's Deep in **silence**."

Aragorn, with a tired sigh, walked over to where Brego had faithfully stood waiting and mounted the horse. _Arwen, my love, you will never believe the tales I will have to tell should we meet again._

**Well that's that. Next chapter with be the much anticipated, by myself at least, Battle of Helm's Deep! You'll get to see the rest of the crew's reaction to our favourite rouge nin ;) **


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